A nightmare that is finally over, insyaAllah...

2009 brings many memories to me, some are good whilst others are not so. The one which I hope will remain as a memory and something of a history to me is my illness...

In my line of job, being able to have meals regularly and enjoy them would be heavenly. However, that is not the case...well, not for me at least. I leave home very early in the morning often to catch up with the first slot of my lesson. Otherwise, it is to do some other routine work namely the managerial side of it. Having complete that, I go straight to class and food will be the last thing on my mind till I finish the lesson and most of the time it will be almost lunchtime (something like breakfast turns brunch!) before I am able to have my food. Day in day out, it has become such a routine to me. I learn to ignore the hunger pangs I have by saying to myself”...hang on babe, just a little bit more!”

The first symptom (I would rather call it a blow, as that serves me right!) that came to me was in the middle of the night when I had this stabbing pain right under my left breast and it went to the back. It really woke me from my sleep and I was thinking what on earth could it be? Again, being ‘positive’ in that sense, I dismissed it as something which wasn’t that serious...’angin’ maybe?

However, despite going through the initial stage of what I assumed as normal symptoms of gastritis, I went on with my daily schedule of work which became more hectic. Again, having food on time and of the right kind was the least of my concern. To me, meeting deadlines and getting ready for my lessons were central in my life at that point. Heck! What was I doing to my body? Well, I was practically abusing it, so to speak!...and the worst thing is, I didn’t realize I was doing it for years perhaps. Thus, the disease was slowly building up and it was a matter of time before I discovered it was going to be the biggest nightmare of my life.
People kept saying that it was a common case of gastritis so it was ok. I lived with that notion for a good several months and again consuming myself in my work. Gosh, now I know how people can overlook symptoms which are staring right into their eyes by simply saying and thinking these symptoms will go away eventually. It’s only a matter of time. Nope, it’s a matter of time before it becomes more serious and untreatable. Now I wouldn’t even want to look back at the possibility of what might have happened had I not got treatment on time...

At this point the kind of symptoms I was having were like indigestion, gas, belching, heartburn, bloating, abdominal discomfort...well, bottom line is I had to endure one symptom or another on a daily basis. I even noticed I couldn’t eat spicy food especially the ‘cili kecil’...gosh, that’s disastrous! Now, how can a Malay like myself not being able to take small chillies? It doesn’t make sense. That’s part of our daily diet! And that is actually bad and something I should have accepted as serious and needs due attention. So I started looking for more information about these symptoms in the internet. The disease is called GERD short for Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease.

Gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD, occurs when the lower esophageal sphincter (LES) does not close properly and stomach contents leak back, or reflux, into the esophagus. The LES is a ring of muscle at the bottom of the esophagus that acts like a valve between the esophagus and stomach. The esophagus carries food from the mouth to the stomach. When refluxed stomach acid touches the lining of the esophagus, it causes a burning sensation in the chest or throat called heartburn. The fluid may even be tasted in the back of the mouth, and this is called acid indigestion. Occasional heartburn is common but does not necessarily mean one has GERD. Heartburn that occurs more than twice a week may be considered GERD, and it can eventually lead to more serious health problems.

At that point of time, I was so ‘confused’ with what I felt in my stomach. Was it hunger pangs or stomach pain? I wasn’t sure at all! But one thing is sure though. My condition actually worsened. I remember it was during fasting month that my stomach problems became acute. I had to go to a specialist and an endoscopy was performed on me. However, the doctor said my tummy seemed normal and he diagnosed it as mild gastritis and GERD. Gosh, I can’t imagine what serious gastritis and GERD would be like if the symptoms I had were considered as ‘mild’! Consequently, the doctor gave me medication for two weeks after which I was totally off it hoping the disease would have been cured. How disappointing it was because what it did was just to reduce the symptoms and nothing else as how I discovered later. The symptoms recurred...

The days that followed I began to live with the fact that I had to go through my days enduring the pain which became too often now and I knew it was not good. The slightest ‘mistake’ I made by taking in the wrong kind of food would be disastrous for me. In the end, I just didn’t know what else to eat as it seemed everything I took aggravated my stomach. I was not enjoying one of the pleasures of life anymore, which is eating! I began to think to myself, “...is the rest of my life going to be like this?” It really scared me.

Having sleepless nights was a normal thing to me. I would toss and turn and end up feeling more uncomfortable. Another pleasure of life which I was missing out! Sleep. Lying horizontally made things worse as I could actually feel the fluid or acid in my stomach travelling up my chest and into the esophagus causing so much discomfort that it was beyond words. Most of the time I had to spend half the night sitting in upright position so as to reduce the backflow of the liquid from my stomach to my throat. Sleep was indeed an elusive word for me...

One night it was so bad for me that I had to wake up and just sit up as lying down just aggravated the stomach pain and discomfort. I did not know what to do as it was in the middle of the night and my eyes were actually very sleepy. At that point, I started thinking how thankful I should be to God if I could just have a peaceful sleep so I could rest as the next day was a working day for me. Also, how I took for granted that sleeping is just something everyone gets a dose of daily. Not knowing what else to do, I logged on to the internet and opened the website on the ‘Black Seeds’ and deep down inside of me I was telling myself, if this does not work, then nothing will. I submitted to God and the word ‘Tawakkal’ had never been more meaningful to me at that point.

Prior to that I had an online discussion in the form of chatting with an advocate of the ‘Black Seeds’ and whom I had come to consider as an advisor of the product. I asked many questions concerning it but did not come to a decision just yet. To me, that interaction was crucial as it enlightened me on so many things regarding the product and it was the turning point of my life as how I discovered later. That was the starting of the phase where God had gradually answered my prayer.
After getting the ‘Black Seeds’ I consumed it immediately. The pain and discomfort did not subside right after consumption instead I felt it ‘worsened’. Thus, I decided to increase the dose and see what happen. I took like 20 capsules, 4 times a day! At that point, I was willing to take in more as long as I could find relief in it as I was not taking any other medication.

Alhamdulillah, slowly and gradually I could see and feel the illness being ‘lifted’ from me. One by one, the symptoms faded over the time. It was a very gentle process and I think God has made it such so that I keep on praying to Him. It was not at all sudden or abrupt. The first thing I noticed was I could get back the sleep which I lost especially when the symptoms were really bad. Also, I can now eat food which I dared not touch or come close to in the course of my illness. That is another pleasure of life which I missed out on.

I can only say taking the Black Seeds has indeed improved my quality of life , Alhamdulillah. I thought I would never get back the kind of life which I used to live and enjoy. At times when I woke up at night feeling the pain and discomfort, I thought I was going to live with that for the rest of my life and it terrified me. The more I read about the illness and its impact in the internet, the more scared I became. In the end I chose not to read any more about it.

Now I would say I am 90% cured and I find every single day I am living now is so meaningful, Syukur Alhamdulillah. I feel so blessed. 2009 is the year I had to really struggle with my illness and in so doing I discovered that life in this world is meant to be that way. There should be a lot of effort on our part to achieve our goals in life ( in my case, for me to get better in terms of my health condition) and attached to it is an abundance of hope, endless prayers and a strong faith. I reflect on my illness as the most invaluable lesson of my life where it gives me courage, strength and perseverance to go through life in this world. It is a time to check and recheck myself if I were actually in constant touch with God. When I had to endure the sleepless nights during my illness, was frequently awoken by the pain and discomfort, the continuous monologue of “...what if...” and the fear of not recovering, that was when total submission to God was so timely. Indeed, it is a lesson meant to be learnt and it has such a personal impact on me.

In retrospection, I am so thankful to God for giving me such a wonderful life. It is at that moment when we are aware that nothing is within our control, we come to fully accept that we are merely His servants on this Earth and living at His mercy...

Before signing off, I would just like to share some philosophical words from an acquaintance:
Look back and thank God, look forward and trust God, look around and serve God and look within and find God...and how do I get the best out of life?
Face your past without regrets, handle your present with confidence and prepare the future without fear...
Happy New Year.

All good things come from God and the flaws are mine to bear...
Wallahualam...